Toothpick? No Thanks.

I believe everything has a purpose, even me.  My purpose now that I have raised my children is to sit in my chair and write total nonsense for your entertainment.    

I have a toaster on my counter that I plug in to the wall, I can drop slices of bread in, push a little handle down and in a couple of minutes I’ve got toast… the toaster has a purpose, as does most of what is in my house.  Toasters pretty much have only one purpose, they toast stuff.

Sometimes things have more than one use.  I like this for several reasons.  It’s like multi-tasking in a way.  Mutli-tasking can be time saving if done in a sensible way, of course it can also be an overwhelming disaster if not kept within some type of parameters too.  Mutli-use items are great though.  I have lots of them around.  Like plastic storage containers; not only are they great to keep food fresh, but you can store just about anything in them from craft items to nuts, bolts, and clothes pins.  Then there are things like a paperclip.  Paperclips aren’t just for holding papers together, they can fix the chain inside a toilet tank in a jiffy, and they make a handy dandy key chain in a pinch too.

There are some items that have limited uses though.  A remote control is really only good for the device it is intended for and a light bulb is pretty much a light bulb… okay, there is probably some crafty person out there with a glue gun who has another idea, but I’m not talking crafts, I’m talking about practical everyday uses…

One of the items with limited uses that come to mind for me is the toothpick.  Yeah, it can be jammed into something to make a tighter fit, but basically it is for what the name intends… picking your teeth, yep getting the ick from between the pearly whites.  I think whoever came up with the idea was pretty smart and toothpicks should say they are approved by the American Dental Association right on the box, but they don’t.  I think that is some type of conspiracy by the manufacturers of dental floss and the ADA myself, but what do I know?

We have toothpicks at our house, but please don’t tell my husband.  I keep them hidden.  I keep them for those limited purposes.  1) to jam into something for a tighter fit or 2) serving bite size little foods I don’t want people putting their paws all over and 3) cleaning gunk in hard to get to places.  I’ve resorted to dental floss for the ick between my teeth… not to conform with the ADA and dental floss company conspiracy, but so my husband never sees toothpicks in our home.

See, we have a serious toothpick problem.  I used to keep a little container made especially for them right on the table with the salt and pepper shakers.  Dear husband however, would not just use one or two for the intended purpose, but he would take a few extra and put them in his shirt pocket.  Since he quit smoking several years ago he developed the habit of chewing on a toothpick instead (no, he didn’t eat them). 

The toothpick problem came from him putting the toothpicks in his shirt pocket.  You ask why is that a problem?  Dear husband never remembers to take the excess toothpicks out of his shirt pocket.  That is the problem.  

Why is that a problem?  Well… toothpicks end up dropped in the bedroom carpet when he takes off his shirt at night.  This is a hazard for the vacuum cleaner.  This is even a greater hazard for bare feet, especially when you run one in between your toes.  It is no fun at all, I promise. 

Toothpicks also end up in the laundry and go through the washing machine, and end up in the little holes in the washtub for one thing.  It wouldn’t be so bad if that was all.  Tooth picks end up in the lint trap too.

We had to replace our dryer a couple of years ago.  We pulled the dryer hose out of the back of the dryer and up through the hole in the floor where it vents out, and guess what we found?  Yep… tooth picks.  We didn’t just find a few toothpicks either.  There were enough toothpicks for a bunch of beavers to dam up the Mississippi river.  I’m not kidding either.  I think if the fire marshal had checked our dryer vent prior to this discovery our home would have been declared condemned because of the hazard.  It is a miracle that we have not been burned out of our home because of tooth picks.

Toothpicks that go through the laundry don’t always get caught in the lint trap or dryer hose.  There is a much greater hazard than that of a fire.  When the lint trap and dryer hose fail to catch laundered toothpicks the laundry catches them.  Most of the time when getting the clothes out of the dryer and folding them or putting them on hangers the toothpicks will either fall off the clothes or will be stuck to the clothes and be obvious so I can pick them up or off as the case may be.  Other than the annoyance it’s not a big deal.  Then there are times when the toothpicks go undetected… this is a serious problem.

Have you ever been poked by a toothpick before?  I have put on a shirt once or twice and have been annoyed by the sharp end of a toothpick, and have let my dear husband know of my discomfort.  He too has suffered from this on occasion.  I have threatened to take the toothpicks away for years, but never followed through with it… then one day, I put on my bloomers  and… you guessed it.

My dear husband has been banned from toothpicks or toothpicks have been banned from my dear husband.  FOR LIFE! However you want to say it, they are no longer in contact with one another under our roof.  Toothpicks have been confiscated, destroyed, or hidden under lock and key in our happy little home… which will remain a happy little home as long as my dear husband has no further contact with toothpicks.  I only ask that should you see my dear husband with a toothpick that you notify me so that I can confiscate it or contact an attorney should he refuse to give it up.

Toothpick Free Zone = Happy Little Home

(previously posted on former blog)