As a Latter Day Saint, I've been encouraged to keep journal, a book of remembrance, genealogy, etc... We “Mormons” treasure a volume of scripture called the Book of Mormon. The Book of Mormon is taken from some ancient metal plates in an ancient language translated by the power of the Holy Ghost by the prophet Joseph Smith Jr.. These plates were written by a long line of ancient prophets beginning with Nephi. Nephi had two sets of plates. The large plates and the small plates. The small plates had a portion that was sealed or inaccessible to Joseph Smith Jr. at the time he translated the Book of Mormon.
Nephi's small plates contained the spiritual and sacred things. Sacred things... this would be like my personal journal. Nephi's large plates contained the secular history of the people. Secular things... this would be like my blog. I had never looked or thought of it this way until a friend jokingly said that this is how she looked at her journal and blog. She's got such a way of putting things... makes one think.
I used to journal. I used to journal a lot. I mean a lot. I had a very large box of completed journals. I mean large box. I'm guessing about fifty pounds. I'd say there were about 30-35 journals in it, maybe more. These journals contained approximately twenty years of my life, consisting of most of my 20's, 30's and a couple years of my 40's. (I can hear my Mom about now). Then the journaling stopped. I completely stopped writing anything at all. I don't know why I stopped, I just did.
These journals contained a lot of things. I am bi-polar a.k.a. manic-depressive. Many of the years I journaled I was undiagnosed.. Even once diagnosed it took a long time to get medications right so I could function at some level of sanity. That is at times still questionable. Every now and again the medications have to be adjusted. During these times, things aren't all they ought to be, but they aren't as bad as before the meds. In all of those years I hadn't been diagnosed there were many events in my life that turned not only my world upside down, but the lives of my family, especially my children and my parents lives upside down too. During times when my medications have been out whack I get pretty depressed or anxious, or just a little "off". But the highs aren't very high, and the lows aren't anywhere near as low as they used to be.
The events were what they were, and can't be changed. The thoughts behind them can't either. These are the things that the journals contained. These are the thoughts that propelled me into the sometimes crazy and erratic behaviors that were so damaging. These were also the thoughts of someone so depressed that danger was sometimes eminent. These are things that were written by someone who was sick. These were things I'd rather my children and the rest of my posterity never see. That "me" is not the one I want to be remembered as. That's why I say theses journals were. They are no more. They are gone forever. What is written on earth is written in Heaven. I suppose since they were written here, there's and eternal copy somewhere. I know Heavenly Father judges fairly and will somehow take my state of mind into account when the big day comes. These are the "sealed" portion of my small "plates".
Fairly well balanced on medication… I picked up a pen and started to journal again.
(originally posted on previous blog - March 2011)
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