Drug Induced Insomnia can Be Productive...

It’s almost time to get up… but I haven’t been to bed yet!  I’m not even tired and I am being “technically” productive (if you count various computer activities).  It seems my pain meds keep me wide-eyed and bushy-tailed.  This has been going on for a while now and sleeping meds don’t seem to make a difference one way or the other.  I know one day I’ll be too tired to move but in the meantime… 

 I’ve been trying to be somewhat productive doing some indexing and arbitrating on FamilySearch.org.  I got to digging around on the website and took a look at the new 1940 Census and found some neat stuff like finding my grandparents (teenagers then) and my Dad was on there too (16 months old).  It’s pretty cool to find documents like that with people you actually KNOW, not just names in your family tree. 

 I’ve done some educational things too like look up tutorials on some things I’ve recently become interested or re-interested) in.  I’ve been inspired to pick up my frosting bag and do a couple of cakes recently.  I did them years ago and just got away from it, but I’m able to do it in small doses thanks to a handy bar-stool dear husband rescued from his ‘garbage picking’.   (His trash picking needs to be a post of its own). Anyway,  I don’t have to be on my feet the entire time and good ol’ Swag bucks allowed me to get a turntable to make decorating easier.  

I made TJ a hamburger for his birthday…

 It was time consuming and required a few breaks but it didn't turn out as well as I had hoped, but it didn't turn out too bad either.  It’s only the 2^nd cake I’ve decorated in at least 10 years.  AND… it was YUMMY!  (The sesame seeds are rice crispies BTW)

I forgot I enjoyed doing stuff like that.  It seems that Pintrest has awakened a beast.  I like being able to ‘hoard’ online and have developed quite a collection of ideas and such on Pinterest. 

My “Swagging” as slowed somewhat due to the indexing, digging up stuff on FamilySearch and doing little things I see on Pinterest  that I’m able to do.  I may not get up and dance, but I am doing some things of value, or at least I feel like I am.  At least I've gotten away from playing computer games 24/7 as a sanity keeper.  Now if I’d just keep up with this blog!   

Avoiding the Workshop

I’ve been very busy the past few weeks and have neglected to blog for a while now.  What have I been doing with all of my time?  I have very little idea or recollection.  I’m sure it was “important” at the time, but not important enough to remember now.  Or I am just unable to recall…

 Let’s see…  We helped my sister-in-law inventory my mother-in-law’s estate.  We have been helping a sick friend – Dear hubby does most of it, I just help out by taking care of his mail and making sure his bills are paid on time while he’s not able to keep up with it.  I have also began indexing for FamilySearch.org and have become an arbitrator for them as well.  I’ve spent a good bit of time on this I suppose since I have the physical limitations that I do and it keeps my mind occupied and focused, and of course it is a great way for me to perform service in the Lord’s kingdom without being on my feet.

 I’ve been doing some organizing and re-organizing of little things around the house like my recipe box and craft supplies, and I have started planning a 60^th birthday party for dear husband… so far all I’ve accomplished is getting invitations in the mail.  I have NO idea what else I need to be doing at the moment for it other than some planning.  I’ve been looking on Pinterest for some ideas for a birthday cake but so far haven’t found anything that fits him or the occasion. 

I have found a few crafts to do but I find I really have to pace myself due to the arthritis in my hands and of course if I whip right through them (as I’d like to – I love things in mass) I run out of financial resources to have anything more to do.  I have returned to making cakes for family occasions but this too is somewhat difficult with the arthritis in my hands, but at least I can sit down and don’t have someone over my shoulder and a time clock ticking keeping me stressed out and sucking the enjoyment out of it.  My skills have certainly faded over the years and I think it will take more time than I originally thought it would to get them back.  It just isn’t coming to me as natural as it once did.  I’m a bit disappointed in the results so far but I suppose people who have never done a cake have an appreciation for my attempts anyway.  I do have a bit of a ways to go for certain.  I also have had to re-acquire equipment and supplies since I let them go years ago.  I’m also having sticker shock.  It will take a while to rebuild my supply of pans, tips, and a host of other necessities. 

I attempted to return to crocheting.  I used to do a fair amount of it but it has been years and years ago.  I have found that 15-20 minutes every other day is my limit as it is extremely difficult with my arthritis so I’ve been looking for other things to occupy me.

 I’ve have just about run out of beads for other projects.  Dear husband took me to Hobby Lobby a little while back to acquire some beads and OH MY!  The prices have increased tremendously over the last few years.  This too will limit my ability to pursue jewelry making much more than I would like.  I was just getting started with jewelry with old beads I already had but have pretty much used them all up.   I’ve considered card making but am somewhat discouraged at the quality of homemade cards and my inability to gather the necessary equipment and supplies to make high quality cards.  Who knew you needed “equipment“ to make a card?  This also seems to be the standard for scrap-booking now.  Looking at the scrapbook I had put together over 10 years ago before all these new gadgets, techniques and supplies I am discouraged enough to not even bother because the level of quality with what I do have available to me is so below par that it is just better left alone because I’d never be happy with the results.  It seems the bar has been raised in all the areas I’d most like to get my hands in to but the purse is empty and I seem to have found myself at a roadblock.  Wow have I ever been out of the crafting world for a while!  

It seems like I won’t be making as much progress as I'd like in any one of these pursuits any time soon.  This is discouraging because I finally feel like doing something for a change.  Between feeling so poorly physically and the dark cloud of depression that covers me for long periods of time I just haven’t felt like doing ANYTHING.  Now I have some desire to do some things and find the resources much more limited than I ever imagined they’d be.  Patience in NOT one of my virtues, but discouragement is.  I’m trying very hard not to give up a glimmer of hope that I might eventually acquire the necessary supplies to progress in these activities.  After all physical limitations really limit the types of things I’m able to indulge in (other than chocolate).  It is easier to sit here and come up with a list of things I can’t do than it is to find the motivation to DO much of anything. 

 I am so grateful for the opportunity to do some indexing to keep my mind off the things that limit me so much.  I suppose that indexing and arbitration are my calling for now, and it IS an important thing to do.  That brings satisfaction to it too.  This is apparently the ‘season’ of my life to focus on things of this nature, The rest I suppose the good Lord will supply in due time.

 I suppose these are some of the places that I can’t recall where my time has went.  Of course there is much more that seemed important when it was in front of me but not important enough to remember afterwards.  Maybe my memory is just fading as I find myself getting older?  Sounds like a good excuse anyway.

I can attest to the truth that an idle mind (or hands) is the devils workshop. And I have felt the sky a little brighter when I have something I enjoy doing in front of me.  Depression, physical limitations, chronic pain and especially a fairly fresh empty nest has taken it’s toll and I hope brighter days are ahead.  I know staying distracted from these things does help and Lord knows the devil doesn’t need any more workers in his workshop! 

Necessary Losses & Unexpected Gains

The last few months have caused some major changes in my family.  In May my brother-in-law passed away unexpectedly.  This was very hard for all of us and of course harder on my sister-in-law and my nieces than anyone else.  He had some health problems for a while now but it was still very sudden, and a shock to all of us.  He was a really good guy with a heart of gold and we all miss him.  It has been hard on my dear husband to lose his only sibling.  Although I’ve been through it myself I’m not sure that I am a great comfort to him because I tend to compartmentalize things in my life in order to cope.  I try to comfort him but I haven’t dealt with my own grief when I lost my own brother and only sibling 12 years ago.  Gratefully he was on good terms with his brother and they had just had a really good visit a few days before his unexpected passing.

My dear sister-in-law has been overwhelmed with grief and taking on the family business single-handedly as well as dealing with probate.  Bless her heart; I just want to hug her.  My heart breaks for her.

My dear mother-in-law has been bed ridden for about 2 years now and has been living in her home with caregivers.  She has always been a fighter and had overcome some very serious conditions unheard of for a woman of her age.  She and I had a misunderstanding a few years ago and for 2 yrs she didn’t speak to me.  I didn’t cause the problem, she was just angry about something she and another dear one to me didn’t see eye to eye about and decided it was easier to take it all out on me than address the issue head on and straighten it out with our mutual loved one.  I wasn’t a happy camper myself during that time I’m ashamed to say, but one day I realized that it wasn’t worth staying upset about, even though it really wasn’t my fault and I decided that I was going to face her and let her get this perceived wrong out of her system.  So I did.  She needed to vent before she finally felt she could say “I’m glad we’ve patched this up”, and that was that.  I suppose that was all she really needed; to vent and my giving her the opportunity to do so made it all better. That was over two years ago and she and I resumed our relationship where we had left off before all of the drama and have been on good terms ever since.  I knew I wasn’t at fault and the blame and anger had been misplaced, but I felt it very important to let her “win” at her age. 

It wasn’t good for either of us to be on the outs, angry and upset all of that time and it certainly didn’t need to continue another day.  I didn’t want what happened between another loved one to happen between us and I wanted to be sure that at her age we could both have peace about it when her final day with us would eventually come.  It’s a hard thing to lose a loved one when a disagreement hadn’t been settled between the two of you.  It wasn’t going to happen this time if I had anything to do with it.  Gratefully she and I have had a good relationship ever since.

A little less than 2 weeks ago her condition took a drastic turn for the worse and she was hospitalized.  We hoped she would pull out of it like she always had before, but we knew something was just different about it this time.  Within a couple days she became unresponsive to us and things took an even worse turn and hospice was called in.  Mother always wanted to die at home and we did our very best to honor that wish.  We took her home on Monday afternoon and she passed in her sleep the following day.

This is a fresh wound to our family since we just lost my brother-in-law less than 2 months ago.  It has been especially hard on my dear husband and my sister-in-law.  My sister-in-law was very, very close to Mother and she has already been enveloped in the grief at losing her husband so recently.  Now she must deal with probate in both cases since she was appointed by Mother to be her Personal Representative.  I’m sure she is beyond overwhelmed by all of this. 

My sweet husband became an only survivor of his family and keeps saying “I’m the only one left”.  I know he grieves his brother a great deal and now has lost his mother making his feelings of loss so great.  He says that the family name will die with him since both he and my brother-in-law have no sons, just beautiful daughters, and although he considers his step-sons his own sons the family name doesn’t carry on with them.  This makes for a very lonely grief.  I know that this is to be the case with me one day in the future too, but I’m not sure how to comfort him in this.

On a more positive note however, our family has grown a great deal since March when we gained a new daughter-in-law when our youngest son eloped.  She is such a sweet girl too.  Less than 3 weeks later we had the happy occasion of having a beautiful grand-daughter come into this world and light up our world with sunshine.  But this is not all... We were recently surprised by the announcement of our middle son that he was going to get married, and we now not only have another beautiful daughter-in-law but a new 2 year old grandson.  All our boys are married now and we now have 3 grandchildren from them.

I already miss my Mother-in-law even though it’s only been a few short days since her passing.  I can say unequivocally that she spread her rose petals in this life and greatly touched the lives of many.  She made a difference.

I miss my brother-in-law too.  He was a great service to our country, a wonderful father and grandfather and he too touched many, many lives.  His sweet wife and he together built a life and a legacy for their posterity.  His example of charity and kindness is his legacy to us and he made a difference for so many people.

In less than 4 months we have gained 4 beautiful family members & sadly lost 2.  We have been blessed in so many ways with the people in our lives.  Thankfully we have the peace of knowing that families really are forever and ours despite some temporary losses our family circle has grown a great deal in a short period of time.

I know that we all suffer losses in our lives and I’ve lost a sweet brother, brother-in-law and mother-in-law who have all touched my life in remarkable ways, whether they knew it or not. I am so thankful for the peace the gospel of Jesus Christ brings and the hope of seeing treasured loved ones again, as well as the gift of these new family members.  The circle is ever widening and in God’s family there is room for all of us.