Not YOU. ME! I'm gonna win. I'm gonna pick through all the little stampy looking things with magazines pictured on them showing me how much 4 monthly payments will get me the most issues of and I'm gonna lick and stick them to the little card and enter the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes and I'M GONNA WIN!!! It's my turn. After all, I've faithfully bought magazines from PCH all my adult life just for such an honor. So this time is rightfully mine.
I have selected my magazines, licked and sticked the little stampy things to my entry. I've scratched off the little thingy with a quarter to increase my chance to win a new car, put it all back in the enclosed envelope, checked the little box that says "Yes I'm ordering", put my stamp on it and everything... just like I've been directed to do. I jumped in my car and made a special trip to the post office to get it in the mail back to the prize people the same day and everything. I AM GOING TO WIN! After all, it is my turn.
Then I called my hairdresser. She does great work. I think she has a magic wand. From there I went and got a manicure and a mini-pedi, and from there I went to the department store and the lady at the make-up counter gave me a make-over. I bought all the stuff she recommended to make me beautiful (it only cost $397.45 tax and all). I then bought an entire new wardrobe. After all, I couldn't open the door to the prize patrol looking like a dowdy house wife. I have to be ready.
Now... all I have to do is sit back an wait for the van to pull up in my driveway... well not really. First I will have to make sure the house is clean, they will want to take photographs. That reminds me to buy a new vase for the roses. They always give the winner roses. I AM GOING TO WIN! After all, it is my turn.
Now, all I have to do is sit back and wait for the van to pull into the driveway. While I wait I'm going to make a list of everything I'm going to do with the money. Of course I'll have to pay for the pesky magazines, the first payment anyway... then I can cancel them. I do that every year anyway after I find out I didn't win. BUT... This time is different. I'M GONNA WIN! After all, it is my turn.
After I cancel the magazines, I'm going to have a 12 foot privacy fence built all the way around my house. Do you know why? I have a nosy neighbor down the street. It's going to kill her that I won. It's gonna kill her even more that she can't see what I'm doing with all the money! That reminds me, I need to call a fence company and get an estimate on how much a fence like that will cost. I need to keep track of the money. I'm not hiring an accountant to steal me blind. Oh, I have to ask the fence man about putting Constantina wire around the top of the fence to keep her from peeking over the top and keep people out who will come out of the woodwork wanting to borrow money and want "charitable donations".
Let's see, to the list I better add things like someone to clean the bathrooms, I've always hated that job. I'm going to add a new car, oh and all three of my boys need a Harley. That will keep them from mooching off Mom for a while too. See I have a plan for everything. I want one of those little Rumba vacuum cleaners because I have a bad back, and everything in the house is gonna have a "clapper" on it so I never have to get up to turn stuff off and on. I'm gonna get a life alert thing to in case I fall and can't get up. I think I'll start staying up late and watching infomercials for more ideas. After all, that is a lot of money. Oh! I need to call a travel agent. There are all kinds of places I want to visit. They will also know what I need to do to get a passport.
I wonder how I can set up an off shore bank account? I'll be darned if Uncle Sam is gonna tax the interest off my winnings. I AM GOING TO WIN!
After all, it IS my turn.
(originally posted on 31 March 2011)
(originally posted on 31 March 2011)
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